(originally posted Sunday, June 3, 2007)
It’s been a while since I posted. In part, that is due to my perfectionism.
One of the things about being a therapist is that it is really hard to get away with things, because your therapist is always right there watching. :)
Anyway, I have been very busy, and telling myself that I haven’t time to blog. And now that I was sitting here trying to decide what to blog on, it struck me that I haven’t been blogging because I am holding myself to a standard that says that if I blog, it has to be “such-and-such.”
I mean, think about it. It’s my blog! I could post that I am sitting here scratching my bum and wondering what to blog about, and who is to say that isn’t acceptable? It’s not like I am going for a high-traffic internet soapbox whose entries will get quoted on CNN.
And that is just how insidious perfectionism is.
We live in a culture that promotes perfectionism. We are repeatedly bombarded with injunctions to “improve” ourselves, work smarter and faster, get in shape, be more efficient, eat more healthily, get more out of life, and so on, and on, and on, and on...
What the heck ever happened to “I’m O.K., you’re O.K.?
In part, we have all been sabotaged by well-intentioned messages from previous generations (and we know what road is said to be paved with good intentions.) Messages such as, “if you are going to do anything, do the very best you can,” or “Always give 110%.”
I do it myself, as I’ve implied above. I’m frequently asked to give workshops and other presentations. I say this as a matter of fact, without brag, I have NEVER given a workshop or presentation that got anything less than glowing reviews. But I still sweat them, and try to make them better, unless I catch myself, and make myself stop.
And, of course, you can ruin something good by trying to make it better. You can over-engineer a product, over-think an idea, over-produce a movie, or piece of music, over-explain a concept (hmmm...), and overload a workshop or talk to the point where there is no room for discussion, interaction, FUN!
Recently, in Penelope Trunk’s blog, Brazen Careerist, I read her entry on Breaking the perfection habit. She makes the good point that not being a perfectionist actually allows her to set more goals for herself, because she gets more things done, instead of over-doing them. Among the comments, many were supportive, some said they could relate, but still others were derisive, calling her a corner-cutter, and scoffing that they’d never hire her.
So, there is one of the problems with trying to break free of perfectionism: the influence of others. Workaholics, the folks that are first-in and last-to-leave, tend to get rewarded for their behaviour with promotions to management positions. They account for a lot of the stress-related productivity-loss in the workplace. And many of us find ourselves in relationships of one kind or another with people who seem impossible to please, who are never satisfied.
Another type of comment came from those who wrote about “that kind of person.” Here is where I think it’s all too easy to kid ourselves. Perfectionism shows up in so many ways, and is so prevalent, that instead of focusing on “those people,” we really need to tend our own gardens.
I remember one author, writing about parenting, who said, “perfectionism is the enemy of the good.” I believe that is true. As we struggle for perfection, we often miss out on the good in life, and don’t do a good job, because we are trying so hard to be perfect.
Parenting is an especially important place to try to overcome our perfectionism. I have had young women in my practice who tell me that they did not want to be mothers because they know they could never meet the standards set by their mothers, the bar has been set so high. And I think that's sad. Other clients, who have had kids, are burning themselves out through overfunctioning, never giving themselves a break, because that's how mom did it, and they feel they need to live up to her standards, even though their circumstances are markedly different. And I think that's even sadder.
And there is a lesson there, in the way we pass perfectionist standards on, across generations, and perpetuate, not high standards, but misery. When we have a good sense of our priorities and our limitations, we are providing a much healthier role model for our children.
So, I try to urge my clients, to try to do a good job, not a better job. Stop being the enemy of the good, and you will be well on the way to breaking free of perfectionism.
And so will I.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
There is no safety anywhere
(originally posted Saturday, May 5, 2007)
That is something I truly believe. We spend so much of our energy trying to be safe, and trying to make things safer. We avoid taking any risks, protecting ourselves and our families. We are willing to give up so very much for safety. But safety is an illusion.
The reason I believe so is that we live in a capricious universe.
A number of years ago, a young girl of about 15 was in the stairwell of her high school, in between classes along with a large number of other students. According to witnesses, a bright, glowing ball dropped through the ceiling and down the back of her blouse. The upper half of her body burst into flame. After the fire was extinguished she was rushed to hospital where she died of third degree burns. Based on eyewitness description and expert analysis, the medical examiner decided she’d been killed by ball lightening.
I’m sure her parents, her teachers, and she felt she was perfectly safe where she was. But we cannot foresee all dangers, and I doubt ball lightening is on anyone’s radar. Many other freak accidents occur on a regular basis. My point is this: no matter how safe we think we are, there will always be dangers. So, it is important not to be inordinately cautious.
Counsellors at colleges and universities say they are seeing increasing numbers of young people who cannot deal with living away from their parents. Protected and kept from all risk until they reach 18, they drop out and return home, unable to cope with standing on their own two feet. Meanwhile, other counsellors tell of young people deliberately courting danger, taking stupid risks. They say they do it to feel alive. Background checks reveal they were forbidden from taking any risks as children.
Risk is a part of being alive. When we try to avoid all risks, what we are avoiding is real life. A fear of death is, at its core, a fear of living. Trying to maximize safety makes us miss out on many meaningful parts of life. Just as the price of never risking having your heart broken is never having dared to love, the price of trying to never experience any physical risk is never having dared to live.
Meanwhile, the pursuit of safety results in tremendous amounts of misdirected energy. In the United States, for instance, many people insist they need to be armed to protect themselves. Yet, an estimated thirty-thousand U.S. citizens are killed by gunshot every year. That is more than an average year’s fatal car accidents plus all the U.S. personnel who have died in Iraq, plus all of the people who died on 9/11. And yet, all the public focus and energy goes toward border security.
I do not mean that it is okay to be reckless or imprudent. We are well advised to take steps to minimize real danger, things like wearing seatbelts when driving, or not walking alone through a dangerous area at night. But we need to remember that there really is no way to be safe from all harm. To live our lives, we must face our fears, and accept such risks as cannot be avoided in living a full and meaningful life.
For many years I have tried to let myself be guided by these words:
The is no safety, and there is no end. The word must be heard in silence; there must be darkness to see the stars. The dance is always danced above the hollow place, above the terrible abyss. – Ursula K. LeGuin; The Farthest Shore.
That is something I truly believe. We spend so much of our energy trying to be safe, and trying to make things safer. We avoid taking any risks, protecting ourselves and our families. We are willing to give up so very much for safety. But safety is an illusion.
The reason I believe so is that we live in a capricious universe.
A number of years ago, a young girl of about 15 was in the stairwell of her high school, in between classes along with a large number of other students. According to witnesses, a bright, glowing ball dropped through the ceiling and down the back of her blouse. The upper half of her body burst into flame. After the fire was extinguished she was rushed to hospital where she died of third degree burns. Based on eyewitness description and expert analysis, the medical examiner decided she’d been killed by ball lightening.
I’m sure her parents, her teachers, and she felt she was perfectly safe where she was. But we cannot foresee all dangers, and I doubt ball lightening is on anyone’s radar. Many other freak accidents occur on a regular basis. My point is this: no matter how safe we think we are, there will always be dangers. So, it is important not to be inordinately cautious.
Counsellors at colleges and universities say they are seeing increasing numbers of young people who cannot deal with living away from their parents. Protected and kept from all risk until they reach 18, they drop out and return home, unable to cope with standing on their own two feet. Meanwhile, other counsellors tell of young people deliberately courting danger, taking stupid risks. They say they do it to feel alive. Background checks reveal they were forbidden from taking any risks as children.
Risk is a part of being alive. When we try to avoid all risks, what we are avoiding is real life. A fear of death is, at its core, a fear of living. Trying to maximize safety makes us miss out on many meaningful parts of life. Just as the price of never risking having your heart broken is never having dared to love, the price of trying to never experience any physical risk is never having dared to live.
Meanwhile, the pursuit of safety results in tremendous amounts of misdirected energy. In the United States, for instance, many people insist they need to be armed to protect themselves. Yet, an estimated thirty-thousand U.S. citizens are killed by gunshot every year. That is more than an average year’s fatal car accidents plus all the U.S. personnel who have died in Iraq, plus all of the people who died on 9/11. And yet, all the public focus and energy goes toward border security.
I do not mean that it is okay to be reckless or imprudent. We are well advised to take steps to minimize real danger, things like wearing seatbelts when driving, or not walking alone through a dangerous area at night. But we need to remember that there really is no way to be safe from all harm. To live our lives, we must face our fears, and accept such risks as cannot be avoided in living a full and meaningful life.
For many years I have tried to let myself be guided by these words:
The is no safety, and there is no end. The word must be heard in silence; there must be darkness to see the stars. The dance is always danced above the hollow place, above the terrible abyss. – Ursula K. LeGuin; The Farthest Shore.
Don't analyze your partner
(originally posted Sunday, April 29, 2007)
So many of the couples that I see spend their time analyzing each other. Trying to figure out each other’s motives. What they are REALLY thinking. What makes them do what they do.
I always advise them to knock it off.
It doesn’t help, and usually hurts. For one thing, it is a sign of mistrust. If you don’t believe what your partner tells you, why would they reveal to you their deeper feelings? So, even if you get it right, you won't know, which makes it an exercise in futility.
Besides, social psychologists have shown, experimentally, that people usually do not know their own motives for much of what they do.
But those are practical reasons for not analyzing. There is a much more compelling reason. When you are in love, your place is in your partner’s heart, not their head.
When you are analyzing, you are not interacting with your partner, but with your own head. To have a relationship, you need to get out of your head and lead with your heart.
Instead of analyzing, communicate. Instead of trying to deduce what they are thinking, ask them.
Never say, “Oh, you probably feel this way.” Which of us likes to be told what we are thinking or feeling?
ASK: “I wonder if you feel this way?”
That will make them feel respected, and will show that you are interested in how they feel.
Unfortunately, the way our culture treats knowledge in the 21st century mitigates against this approach. “Knowledge is power,” goes the folk wisdom, and “without power, you are weak,” seems to be the corollary. So, opinions get more respect, because they feel strong. Questions, get less respect, because they seem weak. Questions make it seem like you don’t know, and need someone to tell you.
Well, I DON’T know. And I DO need people to tell me anything I want to know about them, if I want to have a relationship with them. I’ve been with my partner for almost 27 years, and I am still learning about her. That means our relationship isn’t boring. There’s still more to discover.
If having power and being strong is what you are looking for, a relationship is exactly the wrong place to do that. Maybe you should try to get into politics.
So many of the couples that I see spend their time analyzing each other. Trying to figure out each other’s motives. What they are REALLY thinking. What makes them do what they do.
I always advise them to knock it off.
It doesn’t help, and usually hurts. For one thing, it is a sign of mistrust. If you don’t believe what your partner tells you, why would they reveal to you their deeper feelings? So, even if you get it right, you won't know, which makes it an exercise in futility.
Besides, social psychologists have shown, experimentally, that people usually do not know their own motives for much of what they do.
But those are practical reasons for not analyzing. There is a much more compelling reason. When you are in love, your place is in your partner’s heart, not their head.
When you are analyzing, you are not interacting with your partner, but with your own head. To have a relationship, you need to get out of your head and lead with your heart.
Instead of analyzing, communicate. Instead of trying to deduce what they are thinking, ask them.
Never say, “Oh, you probably feel this way.” Which of us likes to be told what we are thinking or feeling?
ASK: “I wonder if you feel this way?”
That will make them feel respected, and will show that you are interested in how they feel.
Unfortunately, the way our culture treats knowledge in the 21st century mitigates against this approach. “Knowledge is power,” goes the folk wisdom, and “without power, you are weak,” seems to be the corollary. So, opinions get more respect, because they feel strong. Questions, get less respect, because they seem weak. Questions make it seem like you don’t know, and need someone to tell you.
Well, I DON’T know. And I DO need people to tell me anything I want to know about them, if I want to have a relationship with them. I’ve been with my partner for almost 27 years, and I am still learning about her. That means our relationship isn’t boring. There’s still more to discover.
If having power and being strong is what you are looking for, a relationship is exactly the wrong place to do that. Maybe you should try to get into politics.
Be Here Now
(originally posted Saturday, April 14, 2007)
One of the simplest, and hardest lessons to learn is this: Be Here Now.
Back in the early 70s,when I was in my late teens a friend, concerned that my head was always everywhere but where I was, gave me a book entitled, Be Here Now, by Ram Dass. The author had once been called Richard Alpert, a Harvard psychologist who worked himself into a state of great distress worrying about what would happen, what would come next, what he was going to do. Like many of his generation, he travelled to India, seeking a spiritual awakening. His gurus taught him that before he could achieve peace, he had to learn to be here now.
I internalized that message, and repeated it to myself more and more over the years. When I found myself worrying about what was going to happen, I’d remind myself, “Be Here Now.” When I’d find myself longing for people I’d once known, or something I’d once had, or something I wished to have, but didn’t have yet, I’d remind myself, “Be Here Now.”
That message is all about reality, and accepting reality, and living in the here and now. It is also about letting go of attachment to maya, illusion, things that aren’t here and now, no matter how much we may wish they were. Wrapped up in what isn’t, we forget about what is. We miss our lives, because we aren’t living them, but focusing on maybes and might-have-beens. We are like the child who is so focused on asking, “Are we there yet?” that they miss the fun of getting there.
We all do this much of the time. Stuck in traffic, we fret about being late. We rage against the stupid traffic. We curse ourselves for not taking a different road. And all this passion and effort accomplishes...what? We are still stuck in traffic. Instead of enjoying the comfort of our seat, or the music on the stereo, or the fact that we are alive, healthy, living a better life than most of humanity lives, or ever has lived, we focus instead on what isn’t (the traffic...moving).
I now pass this lesson onto clients, and am constantly reminding them, be here now. I’ll discuss a possible step toward change with a client, and they’ll ask, “But what if...?”, and I answer them, be here now.
I’ll discuss something to try with a someone I’m counselling, and they’ll fret, “But if I do as you suggest, I am worried that this or that could happen,”and I say, then you will have to decide what to do then, but it hasn’t happened yet, and may not happen. Be here now.
Or I’ll be seeing with a couple, and they’ll be working on a way to improve their relationship, and one will say, “That sounds good, but then, I wonder if maybe that will cause another problem.” I’ll tell them that they must not leap ahead to the outcome without giving themselves a chance to see if they can make things better. Be here now.
Their attachment is to their fear: “What if I fail, again?”
I am urging them to let go of their fear. To be here now.
A very similar philosophy has been popularized over the past decade or so, by Jon Kabat Zinn, under the term, “Mindfulness.” It teaches about letting go of attachment, and staying present, being rather than doing, valuing what we have, rather than longing for what we don’t have. I’ve taken mindfulness training. It is a valuable and useful model, and I pass along its practices to my clients. But, without wishing to detract anything from it, for me three words encapsulate its core message. Be here now.
The young woman who gave me that book, some 35 years ago, wasn’t a girlfriend. She was a friend. There was no occasion for the gift, no birthday or whatever. Only her caring. Her gift has helped me immeasurably, enriching my life with all of the wonders and joys and challenges and sorrows of each passing moment. And the sense of peace that living in the here and now brings has helped me to be there for my clients, helped me help them, and has given me a valuable teaching to pass along to them. The ripples of a single deed of ours spread far beyond our ability to imagine.
Thank you for the book, my friend. But thank you even more for caring.
And thank YOU, each of you who has taken the time to read this entry. And please accept from me this heartfelt gift:
Be Here Now.
One of the simplest, and hardest lessons to learn is this: Be Here Now.
Back in the early 70s,when I was in my late teens a friend, concerned that my head was always everywhere but where I was, gave me a book entitled, Be Here Now, by Ram Dass. The author had once been called Richard Alpert, a Harvard psychologist who worked himself into a state of great distress worrying about what would happen, what would come next, what he was going to do. Like many of his generation, he travelled to India, seeking a spiritual awakening. His gurus taught him that before he could achieve peace, he had to learn to be here now.
I internalized that message, and repeated it to myself more and more over the years. When I found myself worrying about what was going to happen, I’d remind myself, “Be Here Now.” When I’d find myself longing for people I’d once known, or something I’d once had, or something I wished to have, but didn’t have yet, I’d remind myself, “Be Here Now.”
That message is all about reality, and accepting reality, and living in the here and now. It is also about letting go of attachment to maya, illusion, things that aren’t here and now, no matter how much we may wish they were. Wrapped up in what isn’t, we forget about what is. We miss our lives, because we aren’t living them, but focusing on maybes and might-have-beens. We are like the child who is so focused on asking, “Are we there yet?” that they miss the fun of getting there.
We all do this much of the time. Stuck in traffic, we fret about being late. We rage against the stupid traffic. We curse ourselves for not taking a different road. And all this passion and effort accomplishes...what? We are still stuck in traffic. Instead of enjoying the comfort of our seat, or the music on the stereo, or the fact that we are alive, healthy, living a better life than most of humanity lives, or ever has lived, we focus instead on what isn’t (the traffic...moving).
I now pass this lesson onto clients, and am constantly reminding them, be here now. I’ll discuss a possible step toward change with a client, and they’ll ask, “But what if...?”, and I answer them, be here now.
I’ll discuss something to try with a someone I’m counselling, and they’ll fret, “But if I do as you suggest, I am worried that this or that could happen,”and I say, then you will have to decide what to do then, but it hasn’t happened yet, and may not happen. Be here now.
Or I’ll be seeing with a couple, and they’ll be working on a way to improve their relationship, and one will say, “That sounds good, but then, I wonder if maybe that will cause another problem.” I’ll tell them that they must not leap ahead to the outcome without giving themselves a chance to see if they can make things better. Be here now.
Their attachment is to their fear: “What if I fail, again?”
I am urging them to let go of their fear. To be here now.
A very similar philosophy has been popularized over the past decade or so, by Jon Kabat Zinn, under the term, “Mindfulness.” It teaches about letting go of attachment, and staying present, being rather than doing, valuing what we have, rather than longing for what we don’t have. I’ve taken mindfulness training. It is a valuable and useful model, and I pass along its practices to my clients. But, without wishing to detract anything from it, for me three words encapsulate its core message. Be here now.
The young woman who gave me that book, some 35 years ago, wasn’t a girlfriend. She was a friend. There was no occasion for the gift, no birthday or whatever. Only her caring. Her gift has helped me immeasurably, enriching my life with all of the wonders and joys and challenges and sorrows of each passing moment. And the sense of peace that living in the here and now brings has helped me to be there for my clients, helped me help them, and has given me a valuable teaching to pass along to them. The ripples of a single deed of ours spread far beyond our ability to imagine.
Thank you for the book, my friend. But thank you even more for caring.
And thank YOU, each of you who has taken the time to read this entry. And please accept from me this heartfelt gift:
Be Here Now.
Getting it Backward
(originally posted Saturday, March 24, 2007)
When we need something, we often tend to talk about our partner. When our partner needs something, we often tend to talk about ourselves (not in therapy...in the situation.)
It works like this: Sue needs to know whether Bill will be coming home on time tonight. She begins by telling Bill about all the times he hasn’t come home on time, all the times he could have called and didn’t, all the times he’s made her wait, dinner getting overcooked, worrying whether he was alright. Before she’s half finished, you could boil a lobster on Bill’s forehead.
On another occasion, Sue asks Bill, "Could you please take the kids outside so I can get some work done?" Bill launches into a speech about how he watches the kids a lot, and how he has lots to do himself, and how he never seems to get any recognition for his contributions. Sue is seething, saying to herself, "You’d think I asked him for something unreasonable."
These are prime examples of how NOT to have a relationship. In the first example, Bill feels criticized, and with good reason. Sue is being critical. In the second example, Bill is being defensive. Criticism and defensiveness are two of the four toxic habits in relationships that psychologist John Gottmann has labelled "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" because of their catastrophic effect.
In the first example, the situation is very simple. Sue needs Bill to call home to say if he’ll be late. But instead of talking about what SHE needs, she talks about Bill, all the things HE’s done wrong, all the times HE’s let her down. No matter how you slice it: "you done me wrong, you let me down" is criticism. Question: Would Bill have gotten quite so mad if she had said, "Bill I need you to call me if you’re going to be late tonight. Can I ask you not to forget?" That is, if Sue had confined her comments to herself.
In the second example, Sue is being much more straightforward. She needs Bill to take the kids and says so. Instead of reacting to what SHE needs, he starts to talk about himself. He is defending himself when he isn’t being attacked. It may be the case that he is used to being criticized, and feels a need to pre-emptively defend himself. But Sue reacts with anger because her request is falling on deaf ears. She isn’t being heard.
Question: Would Sue have gotten quite so angry if Bill had said, "Sorry honey, I’m right in the middle of something. Can I finish up and take them out in an hour or so?" Or, "Sorry honey, I’ve got a ton of work today. Is your work something we can do together when the kids are in bed?"
Sue still isn’t getting what she wants when she wants it, but at least Bill is addressing the issue, not making it about him. If what he offers won’t do, perhaps they can negotiate a different compromise.
The cure for criticism is to ask for what you want. Talk about yourself. Sometimes negative comments MUST be made. If so, talk about the SITUATION not about your partner: "I worry when you’re not home on time. Can you call if you’ll be late?" That statement not only avoids blaming, but it communicates caring about the other.
The cure for defensiveness is listening for the other’s need, and taking responsibility for addressing it. NOT necessarily for fulfilling it. No one gets everything they ask for. But at least let them know you are aware of their need. If Bill replies to Sue, "I realize you worry. I DO tend to forget when I have a lot to do. I’ll do my best to remember," then there is no defensiveness. As long as Sue does not respond with a blame statement (e.g., "That’s what you always say,") the conversation remains civil, with each acknowledging the other as a partner, rather than a competitor.
When we need something, we often tend to talk about our partner. When our partner needs something, we often tend to talk about ourselves (not in therapy...in the situation.)
It works like this: Sue needs to know whether Bill will be coming home on time tonight. She begins by telling Bill about all the times he hasn’t come home on time, all the times he could have called and didn’t, all the times he’s made her wait, dinner getting overcooked, worrying whether he was alright. Before she’s half finished, you could boil a lobster on Bill’s forehead.
On another occasion, Sue asks Bill, "Could you please take the kids outside so I can get some work done?" Bill launches into a speech about how he watches the kids a lot, and how he has lots to do himself, and how he never seems to get any recognition for his contributions. Sue is seething, saying to herself, "You’d think I asked him for something unreasonable."
These are prime examples of how NOT to have a relationship. In the first example, Bill feels criticized, and with good reason. Sue is being critical. In the second example, Bill is being defensive. Criticism and defensiveness are two of the four toxic habits in relationships that psychologist John Gottmann has labelled "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" because of their catastrophic effect.
In the first example, the situation is very simple. Sue needs Bill to call home to say if he’ll be late. But instead of talking about what SHE needs, she talks about Bill, all the things HE’s done wrong, all the times HE’s let her down. No matter how you slice it: "you done me wrong, you let me down" is criticism. Question: Would Bill have gotten quite so mad if she had said, "Bill I need you to call me if you’re going to be late tonight. Can I ask you not to forget?" That is, if Sue had confined her comments to herself.
In the second example, Sue is being much more straightforward. She needs Bill to take the kids and says so. Instead of reacting to what SHE needs, he starts to talk about himself. He is defending himself when he isn’t being attacked. It may be the case that he is used to being criticized, and feels a need to pre-emptively defend himself. But Sue reacts with anger because her request is falling on deaf ears. She isn’t being heard.
Question: Would Sue have gotten quite so angry if Bill had said, "Sorry honey, I’m right in the middle of something. Can I finish up and take them out in an hour or so?" Or, "Sorry honey, I’ve got a ton of work today. Is your work something we can do together when the kids are in bed?"
Sue still isn’t getting what she wants when she wants it, but at least Bill is addressing the issue, not making it about him. If what he offers won’t do, perhaps they can negotiate a different compromise.
The cure for criticism is to ask for what you want. Talk about yourself. Sometimes negative comments MUST be made. If so, talk about the SITUATION not about your partner: "I worry when you’re not home on time. Can you call if you’ll be late?" That statement not only avoids blaming, but it communicates caring about the other.
The cure for defensiveness is listening for the other’s need, and taking responsibility for addressing it. NOT necessarily for fulfilling it. No one gets everything they ask for. But at least let them know you are aware of their need. If Bill replies to Sue, "I realize you worry. I DO tend to forget when I have a lot to do. I’ll do my best to remember," then there is no defensiveness. As long as Sue does not respond with a blame statement (e.g., "That’s what you always say,") the conversation remains civil, with each acknowledging the other as a partner, rather than a competitor.
Do you find success elusive?
(originally posted Tuesday, March 20, 2007)
Often we can be thwarted in our goals by habits that are counterproductive, or by not having developed productive habits.
Today I was reading a career blog by a man named John Anthony. His entry was entitled, 9 Reasons You Are Not Successful.
The reasons he offered to explain the elusiveness of success were good ones: not thinking positively, not taking action, not setting concrete goals, ignoring the neccessity of life-long learning, not being persistent, ignoring details, not being efficient with time, being afraid to be different, not communicating effectively, failing to lead by example which, in order to do successfully, he emphasizes being honest, dependable and responsible.
Now this is a good list. I heartily endorse every single point on it, and I recommend reading it. But there are a couple of things about it that concern me.
One is the excessive zeal with which this sound, good message is pitched. It is almost as if the author lacked sufficient faith in the value of his message and feels compelled to sell it. This is particularly evident in his use of absolute terms. For example, he says that when it comes to success, "How you think is everything."
Now, I believe that how you think is very important. There is a whole field called cognitive-behavioural therapy which focuses on how the ways people think, and behave in response to their thoughts, affects their lives. It uses interventions, such as cognitive restructuring, to help people think in new and more constructive ways. But to say it is everything simply overstates the case. For starters, if that were the case, then his other eight points would be unnecessary.
He also says, "If you are not 100% sure that you are capable of becoming successful, you won’t." I frequently find that kind of all-or-nothing thinking in many of my clients, and I find it very counter-productive. Yes, people actually do stress over whether they are confident enough if they are only 85%, or 90% sure that they will succeed. I think that it is self-deceptive to shut our eyes to the possibility that we may not be able to succeed. Thinking about that possibility is not only realistic, it is helpful. If things do not turn out as we wish, if we do not, for some reason, have the ability to rise to this particular challenge, then contemplating that possibility beforehand helps us to prepare for and to cope with it.
There is a wonderful line in the movie, "Batman Begins." Young Bruce Wayne’s father tells him that the reason we fall is so that we can get back up again. I think there are very few habitually successful people who do not know how to cope with failure and get themselves past it. To do this, it is only necessary that your belief in yourself outweighs your self-doubt.
"To be successful, you can never follow the herd." Again, there’s that word "never." Surely, there are successful people who knew when it was time to hop on the bandwagon as get as much as possible out of the ride. However, if your only strategy is to follow the herd, then you risk the same fate as the lemming.
About being honest, dependable and responsible, he says, "If you do not have these 3 qualities, then nothing else matters." Well, again, why bother with the rest of the list? I think that these three qualities are extremely important, and I try my best to live them in my own life and practice. But haven’t we all known honest, dependable, responsible people who never rise above mediocrity?
I am not dissecting these points to be fussy. My reasons have to do with the other reservation I have about this article. While I approve of John Anthony’s list, I think it is flawed in the way that most of the material on this topic is flawed. While these nine habits are essential to success, they are not a formula for success. It is possible to do all nine of these, and do them well, and still not succeed. They do not guarantee a successful outcome. There are no guarantees of success.
The world is a complex place. Scientists keep discovering that it is much more complex than they ever imagined. That is the whole reason for the development of chaos theory in physics. The universe is so complex that it looks like total chaos to a human observer. Finding order in the chaos is difficult, and requires something that seems in short supply these days: an appropriate level of humility. By that I mean a recognition that sometimes even our very best is not enough, that no amount of preparation can assure the outcome we want. The world is much, much bigger than we are. That we can achieve as much success as we have, and do, is a good basis for pride.
So, we must not cease from striving for success. But the fact remains that it is still possible to do everything right, be the best that we can be, and still not get what we desire. It is important not to lose sight of that as we struggle to make improvements in our lives.
(I think I’ll work on an entry about the use of absolute terms. Thanks for the inspiration, John Anthony:)
Often we can be thwarted in our goals by habits that are counterproductive, or by not having developed productive habits.
Today I was reading a career blog by a man named John Anthony. His entry was entitled, 9 Reasons You Are Not Successful.
The reasons he offered to explain the elusiveness of success were good ones: not thinking positively, not taking action, not setting concrete goals, ignoring the neccessity of life-long learning, not being persistent, ignoring details, not being efficient with time, being afraid to be different, not communicating effectively, failing to lead by example which, in order to do successfully, he emphasizes being honest, dependable and responsible.
Now this is a good list. I heartily endorse every single point on it, and I recommend reading it. But there are a couple of things about it that concern me.
One is the excessive zeal with which this sound, good message is pitched. It is almost as if the author lacked sufficient faith in the value of his message and feels compelled to sell it. This is particularly evident in his use of absolute terms. For example, he says that when it comes to success, "How you think is everything."
Now, I believe that how you think is very important. There is a whole field called cognitive-behavioural therapy which focuses on how the ways people think, and behave in response to their thoughts, affects their lives. It uses interventions, such as cognitive restructuring, to help people think in new and more constructive ways. But to say it is everything simply overstates the case. For starters, if that were the case, then his other eight points would be unnecessary.
He also says, "If you are not 100% sure that you are capable of becoming successful, you won’t." I frequently find that kind of all-or-nothing thinking in many of my clients, and I find it very counter-productive. Yes, people actually do stress over whether they are confident enough if they are only 85%, or 90% sure that they will succeed. I think that it is self-deceptive to shut our eyes to the possibility that we may not be able to succeed. Thinking about that possibility is not only realistic, it is helpful. If things do not turn out as we wish, if we do not, for some reason, have the ability to rise to this particular challenge, then contemplating that possibility beforehand helps us to prepare for and to cope with it.
There is a wonderful line in the movie, "Batman Begins." Young Bruce Wayne’s father tells him that the reason we fall is so that we can get back up again. I think there are very few habitually successful people who do not know how to cope with failure and get themselves past it. To do this, it is only necessary that your belief in yourself outweighs your self-doubt.
"To be successful, you can never follow the herd." Again, there’s that word "never." Surely, there are successful people who knew when it was time to hop on the bandwagon as get as much as possible out of the ride. However, if your only strategy is to follow the herd, then you risk the same fate as the lemming.
About being honest, dependable and responsible, he says, "If you do not have these 3 qualities, then nothing else matters." Well, again, why bother with the rest of the list? I think that these three qualities are extremely important, and I try my best to live them in my own life and practice. But haven’t we all known honest, dependable, responsible people who never rise above mediocrity?
I am not dissecting these points to be fussy. My reasons have to do with the other reservation I have about this article. While I approve of John Anthony’s list, I think it is flawed in the way that most of the material on this topic is flawed. While these nine habits are essential to success, they are not a formula for success. It is possible to do all nine of these, and do them well, and still not succeed. They do not guarantee a successful outcome. There are no guarantees of success.
The world is a complex place. Scientists keep discovering that it is much more complex than they ever imagined. That is the whole reason for the development of chaos theory in physics. The universe is so complex that it looks like total chaos to a human observer. Finding order in the chaos is difficult, and requires something that seems in short supply these days: an appropriate level of humility. By that I mean a recognition that sometimes even our very best is not enough, that no amount of preparation can assure the outcome we want. The world is much, much bigger than we are. That we can achieve as much success as we have, and do, is a good basis for pride.
So, we must not cease from striving for success. But the fact remains that it is still possible to do everything right, be the best that we can be, and still not get what we desire. It is important not to lose sight of that as we struggle to make improvements in our lives.
(I think I’ll work on an entry about the use of absolute terms. Thanks for the inspiration, John Anthony:)
Miracles Do Happen
(originally posted Wednesday, March 14, 2007 )
Successful therapy requires a certain amount of faith. Not so much in the therapist, as in oneself, and in the possibility of change. A great deal has actually been written about that, and I won't attempt to improve on that here. But there is another sort of faith that I think must be acquired for therapeutic changes to have a lasting beneficial impact on the person's life. They must have faith in life...or in the Universe, if you prefer. They must come to see the Universe as a place to play and thrive and grow, and not as a problem they need to solve, nor a mess they need to manage.
If you come to see the Universe in that way, you get to see its miracles.
Miracles do happen, but you’ve got to open yourself to them. I don’t mean by getting religion, or meditating, or submitting to the Will of God. I mean by getting on the same page as the Universe. By conceding that you are NOT in control of the Universe, but live within its process, its flow. So, that if the Universe hands you shit, instead of bemoaning your fate, you look around for something that needs fertilizer. Later, when that thing has grown and flourished, you get to say, “Holy Shit! It was a miracle that showed up just when it did.”
To see the universe as a place to play and grow, you must be willing to play with and nourish yourself on what it has to offer.
Successful therapy requires a certain amount of faith. Not so much in the therapist, as in oneself, and in the possibility of change. A great deal has actually been written about that, and I won't attempt to improve on that here. But there is another sort of faith that I think must be acquired for therapeutic changes to have a lasting beneficial impact on the person's life. They must have faith in life...or in the Universe, if you prefer. They must come to see the Universe as a place to play and thrive and grow, and not as a problem they need to solve, nor a mess they need to manage.
If you come to see the Universe in that way, you get to see its miracles.
Miracles do happen, but you’ve got to open yourself to them. I don’t mean by getting religion, or meditating, or submitting to the Will of God. I mean by getting on the same page as the Universe. By conceding that you are NOT in control of the Universe, but live within its process, its flow. So, that if the Universe hands you shit, instead of bemoaning your fate, you look around for something that needs fertilizer. Later, when that thing has grown and flourished, you get to say, “Holy Shit! It was a miracle that showed up just when it did.”
To see the universe as a place to play and grow, you must be willing to play with and nourish yourself on what it has to offer.
Being "Too Nice" to Our Kids
(originally posted Tuesday, March 13, 2007 )
Many parents resist being “too nice” to, or “coddling” their children. “The world is a tough place,” they reason, “and I need to prepare them for it.”
I would argue that this is terribly misguided. We best prepare our children for the tough parts of the world (rather than the monolithically “tough world”), by giving them a foundation of unconditional love, acceptance, and sense of self-worth.
So many people find it difficult to trust, to believe in the possibility of being loved without ulterior motives, or hidden agendas. They find it hard to believe in unconditional love, or unconditional positive regard, never having experienced it themselves. When they experience conditional acceptance, negativity, mistreatment, they don’t feel confident about rejecting this, and seeking something better. Because after all, the world is a tough place, and their role is to suck it up and deal with it.
However, people who were raised with a firm foundation of love and acceptance from their parent(s) have far less tolerance for mistreatment. They will seek an environment in which “tough” is not accepted as a given. They will seek out those people who believe that we can do better than “tough.”
Unconditional love does not mean spoiling your child, nor being a pushover. It means that we respect the personhood of our children, and lovingly accept them as they are, even when they aren’t doing what we want. Even when we are disciplining them.
And for those who have never experienced unconditional love, the quickest way to experience unconditional love is to GIVE it.
Many parents resist being “too nice” to, or “coddling” their children. “The world is a tough place,” they reason, “and I need to prepare them for it.”
I would argue that this is terribly misguided. We best prepare our children for the tough parts of the world (rather than the monolithically “tough world”), by giving them a foundation of unconditional love, acceptance, and sense of self-worth.
So many people find it difficult to trust, to believe in the possibility of being loved without ulterior motives, or hidden agendas. They find it hard to believe in unconditional love, or unconditional positive regard, never having experienced it themselves. When they experience conditional acceptance, negativity, mistreatment, they don’t feel confident about rejecting this, and seeking something better. Because after all, the world is a tough place, and their role is to suck it up and deal with it.
However, people who were raised with a firm foundation of love and acceptance from their parent(s) have far less tolerance for mistreatment. They will seek an environment in which “tough” is not accepted as a given. They will seek out those people who believe that we can do better than “tough.”
Unconditional love does not mean spoiling your child, nor being a pushover. It means that we respect the personhood of our children, and lovingly accept them as they are, even when they aren’t doing what we want. Even when we are disciplining them.
And for those who have never experienced unconditional love, the quickest way to experience unconditional love is to GIVE it.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Emotional Literacy
(originally posted Monday, March 12, 2007 )
I am often struck by the frequent observation that men are not good at expressing their feelings. The reason for my perplexity lies in this question: “In what way are men taught to express their feelings?” From infancy, girls are rewarded for being emotionally expressive, and invited to explore and comprehend their feelings. Boys are taught to “suck it up,” to “get over it,” to “be a big boy.” The underlying message is, your feelings aren’t important.
We seldom believe that we are doing this. Yet it can be shown. Researchers who have been allowed to monitor the homes of parents of newborns have found that parents take significantly longer to respond to the cries of a boy baby than to a girl baby, and invest significantly more time and effort in soothing girl infants than boy infants. Without realizing it, from birth, we expect boys to be tougher, and have fewer emotional needs, than girls.
As a result, when you ask many men about their feelings, they often don’t know how to respond. Not only don’t they have the vocabulary, they seldom have the skills to identify their feelings. They do not know what they are feeling. They’re not used to thinking about it.
I lead a therapy group for men. Part of what we teach in the group is Emotional Literacy. This is the process of identifying and articulating emotions.
It goes like this:
Step 1) Pay attention to the feeling. Often we try to distance ourselves from our feelings, or shrug them off. All too often we try to judge our feelings, trying to decide whether we should or shouldn’t feel what we are feeling. But as I wrote in a previous entry, you feel what you feel.
Step 2) Name the feeling. Identify it, give it a label that “fits.” This may take some thought, and may require you to expand your vocabulary a bit. The most basic part of this is to identify whether the feeling is good or bad, positive or negative, and how intensely you’re feeling it.
Step 3) Identify the meaning that this feeling has for you. We not only feel what we feel. We feel it for a reason. Feelings are your subconscious’s (or your body’s) way of sending you a message. What is the message here? Are you telling yourself that something isn’t right? That everything is okay. That you need something different, or more of the same? To hear the message, you need to pay attention to it and think about it.
Step 4) Decide how to act on your feeling(s).
There are, of course, a lot of dysfunctional and unhealthy ways we can act on our feelings: with violence, with hostility, by shutting down, with resentment, by numbing with distractions, drugs, or alcohol, by blaming others, by denial.
But we can also give ourselves the choice to connect with others, and with ourselves. We can take responsibility for our emotions, communicate them, and decide how and how much tom communicate. When we connect with our own emotions, we are connecting with our true selves.
So, the process is Feel, Name, Think, Act. By following this process, we become less reactive, and more authentic. We could all benefit from developing our emotional literacy more fully.
(Based in part on material from Tian Dayton, 2000. “Trauma and Addiction.”)
I am often struck by the frequent observation that men are not good at expressing their feelings. The reason for my perplexity lies in this question: “In what way are men taught to express their feelings?” From infancy, girls are rewarded for being emotionally expressive, and invited to explore and comprehend their feelings. Boys are taught to “suck it up,” to “get over it,” to “be a big boy.” The underlying message is, your feelings aren’t important.
We seldom believe that we are doing this. Yet it can be shown. Researchers who have been allowed to monitor the homes of parents of newborns have found that parents take significantly longer to respond to the cries of a boy baby than to a girl baby, and invest significantly more time and effort in soothing girl infants than boy infants. Without realizing it, from birth, we expect boys to be tougher, and have fewer emotional needs, than girls.
As a result, when you ask many men about their feelings, they often don’t know how to respond. Not only don’t they have the vocabulary, they seldom have the skills to identify their feelings. They do not know what they are feeling. They’re not used to thinking about it.
I lead a therapy group for men. Part of what we teach in the group is Emotional Literacy. This is the process of identifying and articulating emotions.
It goes like this:
Step 1) Pay attention to the feeling. Often we try to distance ourselves from our feelings, or shrug them off. All too often we try to judge our feelings, trying to decide whether we should or shouldn’t feel what we are feeling. But as I wrote in a previous entry, you feel what you feel.
Step 2) Name the feeling. Identify it, give it a label that “fits.” This may take some thought, and may require you to expand your vocabulary a bit. The most basic part of this is to identify whether the feeling is good or bad, positive or negative, and how intensely you’re feeling it.
Step 3) Identify the meaning that this feeling has for you. We not only feel what we feel. We feel it for a reason. Feelings are your subconscious’s (or your body’s) way of sending you a message. What is the message here? Are you telling yourself that something isn’t right? That everything is okay. That you need something different, or more of the same? To hear the message, you need to pay attention to it and think about it.
Step 4) Decide how to act on your feeling(s).
There are, of course, a lot of dysfunctional and unhealthy ways we can act on our feelings: with violence, with hostility, by shutting down, with resentment, by numbing with distractions, drugs, or alcohol, by blaming others, by denial.
But we can also give ourselves the choice to connect with others, and with ourselves. We can take responsibility for our emotions, communicate them, and decide how and how much tom communicate. When we connect with our own emotions, we are connecting with our true selves.
So, the process is Feel, Name, Think, Act. By following this process, we become less reactive, and more authentic. We could all benefit from developing our emotional literacy more fully.
(Based in part on material from Tian Dayton, 2000. “Trauma and Addiction.”)
You Feel What you Feel
(originally posted Sunday, March 11, 2007 )
There are times when I fear my clients must get tired of hearing me say this: “What you feel is what you feel.” But I keep repeating it. It is the truest and most important part of knowing oneself that I know.
So often I’ll hear people say, “I know I shouldn’t feel this way...,” or “I know I’m stupid for feeling this way...,” or “I know it’s wrong to feel this way...,”
Depending on context, I’ll either stop them right there, or bring them back to this point as soon as possible, and ask, “How do you know? Know that you shouldn’t, it’s stupid, it’s wrong? You feel what you feel, and it is okay to feel as you do.”
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, not subject to "shoulds" and "shouldn’ts," and are certainly not stupid...they simply ARE. Your feelings are the most genuine part of yourself, and by invalidating them, you are invalidating yourself.
When you invalidate yourself, you become self-critical. This leads you to act against your feelings. This is not being genuine. It is being at odds with yourself, your head warring with your heart. That is what being conflicted means. And when two parts of yourself are giving you conflicting messages, well it’s no wonder you get so confused that you seek therapy.
Rather than denying or invalidating your feelings, you need to find a way to honour them and work with them. And note that there are two steps mentioned in that statement: 1) honour your feelings, and 2) find a way to work with them. Step number two is the real work of therapy. Because while you are allowed to feel whatever you feel, it is very important to be careful about what you do regarding your feelings. That is what makes all the difference. That is where right and wrong become relevant.
There are times when I fear my clients must get tired of hearing me say this: “What you feel is what you feel.” But I keep repeating it. It is the truest and most important part of knowing oneself that I know.
So often I’ll hear people say, “I know I shouldn’t feel this way...,” or “I know I’m stupid for feeling this way...,” or “I know it’s wrong to feel this way...,”
Depending on context, I’ll either stop them right there, or bring them back to this point as soon as possible, and ask, “How do you know? Know that you shouldn’t, it’s stupid, it’s wrong? You feel what you feel, and it is okay to feel as you do.”
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, not subject to "shoulds" and "shouldn’ts," and are certainly not stupid...they simply ARE. Your feelings are the most genuine part of yourself, and by invalidating them, you are invalidating yourself.
When you invalidate yourself, you become self-critical. This leads you to act against your feelings. This is not being genuine. It is being at odds with yourself, your head warring with your heart. That is what being conflicted means. And when two parts of yourself are giving you conflicting messages, well it’s no wonder you get so confused that you seek therapy.
Rather than denying or invalidating your feelings, you need to find a way to honour them and work with them. And note that there are two steps mentioned in that statement: 1) honour your feelings, and 2) find a way to work with them. Step number two is the real work of therapy. Because while you are allowed to feel whatever you feel, it is very important to be careful about what you do regarding your feelings. That is what makes all the difference. That is where right and wrong become relevant.
Real Boats Rock
(originally posted Saturday, March 10, 2007)
Often, when working with couples, I find that despite having a great deal to say to each other, they haven’t talked about the issues that bring them to therapy. They fight when they are angry about the issues. But they don’t discuss them when they are calm. And when I suggest this, they are often reluctant to do so. The idea makes them feel uneasy. They fear opening up the issue will only ruin those periods of calm.
We are taught by conventional wisdom not to rock the boat. But the only conditions under which boats don’t rock is if they’ve been beached or sunk.
If you want a relationship that’s been beached or sunk, you can have stillness, sameness. But if you want a relationship that floats merrily down the stream, or sails over the bounding main, you need to develop some sea-legs. This may involve putting up with some queasiness at first. Yet in time, you may find yourself so accustomed to the rhythms of a dynamic relationship that staying on your feet becomes almost second nature.
Often, when working with couples, I find that despite having a great deal to say to each other, they haven’t talked about the issues that bring them to therapy. They fight when they are angry about the issues. But they don’t discuss them when they are calm. And when I suggest this, they are often reluctant to do so. The idea makes them feel uneasy. They fear opening up the issue will only ruin those periods of calm.
We are taught by conventional wisdom not to rock the boat. But the only conditions under which boats don’t rock is if they’ve been beached or sunk.
If you want a relationship that’s been beached or sunk, you can have stillness, sameness. But if you want a relationship that floats merrily down the stream, or sails over the bounding main, you need to develop some sea-legs. This may involve putting up with some queasiness at first. Yet in time, you may find yourself so accustomed to the rhythms of a dynamic relationship that staying on your feet becomes almost second nature.
What is the opposite of conflict?
(originally posted Friday, March 9, 2007)
The opposite of conflict is not peace. The opposite of conflict is indifference. Or withdrawal posing as indifference.
Peace is a dynamic process that encompasses conflict, and keeps it at manageable levels. Peace cannot be conflict free, for when we are at peace we are actively engaged – with the world, with each other, with ourselves. Conflict is an integral part of engagement.
To have no conflict is to be disengaged, indifferent. Not moved by the contradictions between what we want and what we get.
The question is never, can we live without conflict? It must always be, can we manage conflicts peaceably?
The opposite of conflict is not peace. The opposite of conflict is indifference. Or withdrawal posing as indifference.
Peace is a dynamic process that encompasses conflict, and keeps it at manageable levels. Peace cannot be conflict free, for when we are at peace we are actively engaged – with the world, with each other, with ourselves. Conflict is an integral part of engagement.
To have no conflict is to be disengaged, indifferent. Not moved by the contradictions between what we want and what we get.
The question is never, can we live without conflict? It must always be, can we manage conflicts peaceably?
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