Don’t feed the elephant

What do the number one reason couples seek therapy, Paul Simon’s “The Sounds of Silence,” and Natasha Richardson’s untimely death earlier this year all have in common? If you guessed “a lack of communication,” congratulations.
Richardson took a tumble on a beginner’s slope at a Quebec resort and struck a sensitive area of her head. Intimidated, perhaps, by her celebrity, the resort personnel did not insist on her receiving medical attention. When she later developed a headache and dizziness, she did not tell anyone at first. No one wanted to “make a big deal out of it.” As a result, the problem worsened until it was beyond control, with tragic consequences.
In 1964, Paul’s Simon’s, “The Sounds of Silence” mused lyrically on the dangers of non-communication. “Silence like a cancer grows,” he warned, and so it did in the conformist, “don’t rock the boat” culture of the early 1960s. Segregation, poverty, the ghettos, alienated youth, pollution, militarization, and impending nuclear holocaust were topics no one wanted to discuss. Simon sang that “the words of the prophets were written on the subway walls and in tenement halls,” and these prophets turned out to be reliable, with their graffiti of “up against the wall,” “Black Power,” “stick it to the man,” and “off the pigs!” By 1965, the Watts ghetto had exploded in flames, the SDS was marching in Oakland, and “drop-out, turn-on” youth movement was headline news.
We keep silent about problems at our peril. Very few problems are disasters when they are first noticed. But when we ignore them, avoid making a big deal about them, they grow and grow until they become the legendary elephant in the room.
So many times when a couple comes to me for counselling, I know that part of the work will be getting them to name the problem. Oh they come in with a
problem, but that doesn’t mean it is the problem. I remember one couple whose presenting problem was that they hadn’t had sex in almost two years because of his lack of desire. After his doctor determined that his testosterone levels were normal, he recommended they seek sex therapy. It took several weeks until the man admitted that he didn’t like – hated, in fact – the way his wife kissed. “It’s like she’s trying to suck my whole face into her mouth,” he blurted.
His wife immediately burst into angry tears.
“You see!” he exclaimed. “THIS is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you.”
He was assuming she was hurt. He was wrong. Those were tears of exasperation.
“Two years,” she hissed between her teeth, “you don’t touch me, over something you could have said in a minute, and I could have done something about?”
It took a while to settle them down after that. And that wasn’t the only issue. But it was central. The fact they often did not let their partner know what they really felt had caused more than one problem between them. And those problems grew and grew until neither one of them really felt like making love in the same room as that big, smelly elephant.
Silence feeds the elephant, makes it grow bigger and bigger. A small problem (“you know, the way you kiss bothers me”) becomes enormous (“you haven’t touched me for two years!”).
So, if you want some advice from a sex therapist, don’t feed the elephant! If there is a problem, don’t hold back, talk it out.
Generally it’s a good idea to check with yourself first. “How much does this matter to me? Will this continue to be a problem? What would it be like for me if this didn’t change?” But if you’ve been honest with yourself, and there is still a problem, your partner needs to hear about it.
Far too many people feel it is their responsibility in a relationship to keep the other person happy, and avoid rocking the boat. Not only is that unrealistic, but it violates the spirit of the wedding vows. Remember that we promise to accept our partner for better or for worse.
Put that elephant on a diet, and let your partner see inside of you. Your relationship will be better for it.