Real Boats Rock

(originally posted Saturday, March 10, 2007)

Often, when working with couples, I find that despite having a great deal to say to each other, they haven’t talked about the issues that bring them to therapy. They fight when they are angry about the issues. But they don’t discuss them when they are calm. And when I suggest this, they are often reluctant to do so. The idea makes them feel uneasy. They fear opening up the issue will only ruin those periods of calm.

We are taught by conventional wisdom not to rock the boat. But the only conditions under which boats don’t rock is if they’ve been beached or sunk.
If you want a relationship that’s been beached or sunk, you can have stillness, sameness. But if you want a relationship that floats merrily down the stream, or sails over the bounding main, you need to develop some sea-legs. This may involve putting up with some queasiness at first. Yet in time, you may find yourself so accustomed to the rhythms of a dynamic relationship that staying on your feet becomes almost second nature.