Don't analyze your partner

(originally posted Sunday, April 29, 2007)

So many of the couples that I see spend their time analyzing each other. Trying to figure out each other’s motives. What they are REALLY thinking. What makes them do what they do.
I always advise them to knock it off.
It doesn’t help, and usually hurts. For one thing, it is a sign of mistrust. If you don’t believe what your partner tells you, why would they reveal to you their deeper feelings? So, even if you get it right, you won't know, which makes it an exercise in futility.
Besides, social psychologists have shown, experimentally, that people usually do not know their own motives for much of what they do.
But those are practical reasons for not analyzing. There is a much more compelling reason. When you are in love, your place is in your partner’s heart, not their head.
When you are analyzing, you are not interacting with your partner, but with your own head. To have a relationship, you need to get out of your head and lead with your heart.
Instead of analyzing, communicate. Instead of trying to deduce what they are thinking, ask them.
Never say, “Oh, you probably feel this way.” Which of us likes to be told what we are thinking or feeling?
ASK: “I wonder if you feel this way?”
That will make them feel respected, and will show that you are interested in how they feel.
Unfortunately, the way our culture treats knowledge in the 21st century mitigates against this approach. “Knowledge is power,” goes the folk wisdom, and “without power, you are weak,” seems to be the corollary. So, opinions get more respect, because they feel strong. Questions, get less respect, because they seem weak. Questions make it seem like you don’t know, and need someone to tell you.
Well, I DON’T know. And I DO need people to tell me anything I want to know about them, if I want to have a relationship with them. I’ve been with my partner for almost 27 years, and I am still learning about her. That means our relationship isn’t boring. There’s still more to discover.
If having power and being strong is what you are looking for, a relationship is exactly the wrong place to do that. Maybe you should try to get into politics.