Getting it Backward

(originally posted Saturday, March 24, 2007)

When we need something, we often tend to talk about our partner. When our partner needs something, we often tend to talk about ourselves (not in therapy...in the situation.)

It works like this: Sue needs to know whether Bill will be coming home on time tonight. She begins by telling Bill about all the times he hasn’t come home on time, all the times he could have called and didn’t, all the times he’s made her wait, dinner getting overcooked, worrying whether he was alright. Before she’s half finished, you could boil a lobster on Bill’s forehead.

On another occasion, Sue asks Bill, "Could you please take the kids outside so I can get some work done?" Bill launches into a speech about how he watches the kids a lot, and how he has lots to do himself, and how he never seems to get any recognition for his contributions. Sue is seething, saying to herself, "You’d think I asked him for something unreasonable."

These are prime examples of how NOT to have a relationship. In the first example, Bill feels criticized, and with good reason. Sue is being critical. In the second example, Bill is being defensive. Criticism and defensiveness are two of the four toxic habits in relationships that psychologist John Gottmann has labelled "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" because of their catastrophic effect.

In the first example, the situation is very simple. Sue needs Bill to call home to say if he’ll be late. But instead of talking about what SHE needs, she talks about Bill, all the things HE’s done wrong, all the times HE’s let her down. No matter how you slice it: "you done me wrong, you let me down" is criticism. Question: Would Bill have gotten quite so mad if she had said, "Bill I need you to call me if you’re going to be late tonight. Can I ask you not to forget?" That is, if Sue had confined her comments to herself.

In the second example, Sue is being much more straightforward. She needs Bill to take the kids and says so. Instead of reacting to what SHE needs, he starts to talk about himself. He is defending himself when he isn’t being attacked. It may be the case that he is used to being criticized, and feels a need to pre-emptively defend himself. But Sue reacts with anger because her request is falling on deaf ears. She isn’t being heard.

Question: Would Sue have gotten quite so angry if Bill had said, "Sorry honey, I’m right in the middle of something. Can I finish up and take them out in an hour or so?" Or, "Sorry honey, I’ve got a ton of work today. Is your work something we can do together when the kids are in bed?"

Sue still isn’t getting what she wants when she wants it, but at least Bill is addressing the issue, not making it about him. If what he offers won’t do, perhaps they can negotiate a different compromise.

The cure for criticism is to ask for what you want. Talk about yourself. Sometimes negative comments MUST be made. If so, talk about the SITUATION not about your partner: "I worry when you’re not home on time. Can you call if you’ll be late?" That statement not only avoids blaming, but it communicates caring about the other.

The cure for defensiveness is listening for the other’s need, and taking responsibility for addressing it. NOT necessarily for fulfilling it. No one gets everything they ask for. But at least let them know you are aware of their need. If Bill replies to Sue, "I realize you worry. I DO tend to forget when I have a lot to do. I’ll do my best to remember," then there is no defensiveness. As long as Sue does not respond with a blame statement (e.g., "That’s what you always say,") the conversation remains civil, with each acknowledging the other as a partner, rather than a competitor.