Male rape

As a sex therapist I work with men and women who have been sexually abused, and/or sexually assaulted, in adulthood or in childhood. I have, obviously, received specialized training in order to do this.

Many people believe that it is more traumatic for a man to be raped than it is for a woman. One thing you learn early on as a therapist is that you cannot compare pain. I have had clients of both genders who were able to get past the event in a relatively short time, and others, of either gender, who were devastated for years and years. You don’t look at the severity of the event, because that is, inevitably, your own reaction, not the survivor’s. What you look at is the extent of the impact this had on the person, and on their ability to function and feel emotionally safe.

Still, it remains a fact that the rape of a man is seen differently than is the rape of a woman, by the victim, the rapist, and the rest of us. Due to the way our society constructs gender identity, not just sexually, but in all areas of life, men are supposed to be in charge, in control, masters of their fate and captains of their soul. But nowhere more than in the area of sexuality.

Over the last century it has become more and more acceptable for a male to relinquish control in bed. But, when it comes to rape we enter a whole new arena, because rape is not, of course, about relinquishing control, but about having it taken from you forcibly. And that is not simply through physical force, but through threat, intimidation, manipulation, coercion, drugs, alcohol...the list goes on. The point is, one’s power to consent, or withhold consent, is taken away. It is this, much more so than the sex, that the rapist is after. This is what provides the rush.

There are any number of misconceptions about male rape. Contrary to what many people believe, male rape is not rare. There is a lot of evidence that suggests that more males are victims of rape than are women, just as more men are victims of every kind of violence than are women. And let’s not forget, rape is violence, even when there are no bruises. However, due to the stigma of rape, men tend to report being the target of sexual assault even less frequently than women.

The second myth is that a man cannot be raped if he is not willing. FALSE, FALSE, FALSE! First of all, erections are a function of the autonomic nervous system, and are not really under voluntary control (or rarely). If they were, I would not see so many clients with erectile dysfunction. If a guy has E.D. and he does not respond to Viagra, the doctors send him to me, or my colleagues. We do not, and cannot, teach him how to have an erection. What we do is teach him to relax, let the autonomic nervous system do its work, and focus less of his sexuality on the state of his erection.

But, more importantly, the state of a man’s erection has little relevance to rape. That’s because of a third misconception: most men are NOT raped by women. Some are, but the incidence of males raped by males is much, much, much higher. And a minority of men who rape men are homosexual. We seem able to accept that when male-male rape happens in prison, the rapists are not necessarily homosexual, but that is true of all male-male rape. Don’t forget, rape is NOT sex, per se. It is violence.

Nor does the sexual orientation of the victim matter. That’s another misconception. For gay men, being raped can be just as devastating, and often more so, than for a heterosexual male. Nor does it matter whether the gay man is a “top” or a “bottom.”

Some men and boys are raped by women. There is a common myth that such men are “lucky.” The reality is that it is anything but luck. Such men often are left with a lifelong hostility toward or suspicion of women. Don’t forget, rape is not giving in to an aggressive partner’s advances. Rape is violence, having consent stripped from you, being made powerless.

I hope I don’t have to convince anyone that the sexual use of a young male, a boy, for sexual gratification is a form of child abuse and a criminal act. It is so, not because we want to keep them from sexual experience, but because the potential for devastating consequences is so real. Let me say that I have spoken to men who had early sexual experiences with girls and women, who felt that it had not had any negative consequences on their lives and relationships. If they were kidding themselves about that, there was nothing in their lives or relationships to show it. The problem is, no one can ever tell in advance who will or won’t be traumatized. For that reason it is and must remain a criminal act.

Often, under-aged males are sexually abused by women who fear that they may be too effeminate, and think that this will help steer them toward heterosexuality. Ironically, it can have just the opposite effect. Sexual orientation is NOT determined by trauma. However, males who have been traumatized by women sometimes become avoidant of women, and to whatever extent they may have some inherent same-sex orientation, focus their sexuality in that direction.

The rape of adult males by women is almost never like in the porn fantasies. The man may not find the woman (or women) sexually attractive, may be drugged, may be beaten, often quite badly, may be threatened with violence (threat of castration is often used), may be tied up, may be anally raped with strap-ons, or other objects...and believe me, the average rapist is not interested in lube, or other such niceties. They are there to inflict pain and humiliation, not sexual arousal.

Finally, one topic that I find truly disgusting: popular culture finds the rape of men titillating and funny, and sees male rape as deserved in many cases. All too often we hear comments about people who have been sentenced to prison, that they are going to have to get used to “taking it up the ass,” or “hope he is having a nice time being Bubba’s girlfriend.” We speak in scathing language of societies where the rape of women is used as a means of intimidation and control, and we do so rightly. But, in this, we are no better.

For example, in one episode of “My Name is Earl,” Earl works for a guy who is a real bastard. He’s mean to people, cheats, lies and embezzles from his employer. A running joke through the show is his collection of coffee mugs with “World’s Best...” sayings on them (World’s Best father, World’s Best Lover, World’s Best Golfer, World’s Best Boss, etc.). At the end, Earl helps reveal his duplicity and he is sentenced to prison. The final scene shows this man behind bars, a burly, ugly man in the cell behind him. The man Earl helped convict has a stricken expression on his face and is holding a tin cup on which has been written with permanent marker, “World’s Best Bottom.” The message here is that this man deserves, in addition to his sentence, to be anally raped, and that it is funny that this is happening to him. I guarantee you that if a similar joke about a woman being raped were aired, the writers and producers would have been fired before the night was over.

That is not the only example. There are plenty out there. A popular song from a few years back, “Date Rape,” (by Sublime) had a similar theme. There is lots of evidence that prison authorities, know about, use and encourage rape in prisons as a means of intimidation and control. Judges have been known to sentence men to prison for short times, just enough time for them to be likely to experience rape. Civil rights organizations have been lobbying on this issue, and even trying to file suits, with little effect. There is simply too little political will, and too much public acceptance of the loathsome notion that if a man goes to prison he deserves to be raped.

In January 2009 an Australian judge warned a young man arrested for street racing that if he gets sent to prison, "You'll find big, ugly, hairy strong men (in jail) who've got faces only a mother could love that will pay a lot of attention to you -- and your anatomy." Imagine a woman in any 21st century democracy being sentenced to be raped, or threatened with being raped, for committing a crime. Makes it pretty clear how disgusting this practice is, doesn’t it?

This goes far beyond “feeling sorry” for people who are sentenced. Most male rapists are men who have themselves been raped or molested. By expressing outrage that male rape continues at the levels it does, that it is so taken for granted, we are, in fact, helping to protect ourselves. Preventing even the most heinous criminals from being raped may, in fact, reduce the risk that they will become rapists, in turn. Still, this remains a dirty little secret that no one wants to touch.