You Feel What you Feel

(originally posted Sunday, March 11, 2007 )

There are times when I fear my clients must get tired of hearing me say this: “What you feel is what you feel.” But I keep repeating it. It is the truest and most important part of knowing oneself that I know.
So often I’ll hear people say, “I know I shouldn’t feel this way...,” or “I know I’m stupid for feeling this way...,” or “I know it’s wrong to feel this way...,”
Depending on context, I’ll either stop them right there, or bring them back to this point as soon as possible, and ask, “How do you know? Know that you shouldn’t, it’s stupid, it’s wrong? You feel what you feel, and it is okay to feel as you do.”
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, not subject to "shoulds" and "shouldn’ts," and are certainly not stupid...they simply ARE. Your feelings are the most genuine part of yourself, and by invalidating them, you are invalidating yourself.
When you invalidate yourself, you become self-critical. This leads you to act against your feelings. This is not being genuine. It is being at odds with yourself, your head warring with your heart. That is what being conflicted means. And when two parts of yourself are giving you conflicting messages, well it’s no wonder you get so confused that you seek therapy.
Rather than denying or invalidating your feelings, you need to find a way to honour them and work with them. And note that there are two steps mentioned in that statement: 1) honour your feelings, and 2) find a way to work with them. Step number two is the real work of therapy. Because while you are allowed to feel whatever you feel, it is very important to be careful about what you do regarding your feelings. That is what makes all the difference. That is where right and wrong become relevant.