Validation

(originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008)

Some clients label themselves insecure because they feel a need for other people to support, or in some way acknowledge the validity of what they do, or who they are. This is mis-labelling. What they are looking for is not approval, it is validation.
The need for validation is not a sign of insecurity. Indeed, it is a sign of a healthy personality.
You see, we are a social species. We have all heard that a thousand times, but seldom stop to think about what it implies. It means that we have an inborn need for connection to other people, and that like it or not, to function healthily we must rely on other people.
Our brains have developed several specialized functions that allow it to process a great deal of information quite efficiently, and to use information in new and creative ways. This, more than any other faculty, has enabled us to be such a successful species, and has transformed us from savannah-dwelling primates into city-building, cyberspace dwelling, high flying, undersea sailing, space-explorers.
The ability to accomplish these things requires a well-developed imagination. However, imagination can run away with you, lead you astray. And from cognitive science, we know that our perceptions can often be inaccurate, and that the way our brains process information frequently leads to errors and unreliable conclusions.
Of course, there is a well-known remedy for those short-comings: Reality Check. And reality check depends on having our perceptions, our feelings, our conclusions, and sometimes even our behaviour commented on by other people. They may tell us that we are wrong, or disapprove. But that doesn’t feel good. What does feel good is validation. And when something feels good, we want it repeated. So, we are subsequently more likely to act in ways that gets us that good feeling, that validation. This, in turn, motivates us toward more socially responsive behaviour.
People who repeatedly seek, and are denied validation, tend to give up seeking validation, to avoid the bad feeling that comes with disconfirmation, and to develop unhealthy personalities. The unhealthy personality rejects its need for validation, cannot stand the risk of disconfirmation, does not wish to have its view of reality checked by anyone else. They feel they should be able to stand alone. They want to emulate the lone wolf or the tiger. Sorry, wrong species. You’ll need different DNA for that.
In my work I find that many people do not have friends or family that have sufficient empathy to provide them with the validation they need, particularly where things like their emotions or sexuality are concerned. One of the most valuable and healing things that happens in therapy is when the client receives validation from the therapist.
This does NOT mean that the therapist agrees with all of the client’s choices. I have often said to clients, “Given what you have told me, it seems completely understandable that you would have reacted as you did. On reflection, do you think that your reaction has served you well?” In other words, it is entirely possible, and appropriate, to validate someone and question their choices at the same time. The validation motivates them to critically examine the appropriateness of their behaviour.
Validation does not mean agreement. Validation means acknowledgment, and a willingness to see things as the other has seen them, if only for a moment. Even if the way they have seen their situation is, on reflection, inappropriate.
So, please remember that when someone asks you for your opinion, for a reality check, or even for your attention, that they are asking for validation. You don’t have to agree, or support. You just need to see them as you’d have others see you...compassionately.
The desire for validation is not a weakness. It is a very human need, and a sign of our connectedness to the community of people around us. In other words, it is a strength.