When “better” is worse

(originally posted Sunday, June 3, 2007)

It’s been a while since I posted. In part, that is due to my perfectionism.
One of the things about being a therapist is that it is really hard to get away with things, because your therapist is always right there watching. :)
Anyway, I have been very busy, and telling myself that I haven’t time to blog. And now that I was sitting here trying to decide what to blog on, it struck me that I haven’t been blogging because I am holding myself to a standard that says that if I blog, it has to be “such-and-such.”
I mean, think about it. It’s my blog! I could post that I am sitting here scratching my bum and wondering what to blog about, and who is to say that isn’t acceptable? It’s not like I am going for a high-traffic internet soapbox whose entries will get quoted on CNN.
And that is just how insidious perfectionism is.
We live in a culture that promotes perfectionism. We are repeatedly bombarded with injunctions to “improve” ourselves, work smarter and faster, get in shape, be more efficient, eat more healthily, get more out of life, and so on, and on, and on, and on...
What the heck ever happened to “I’m O.K., you’re O.K.?
In part, we have all been sabotaged by well-intentioned messages from previous generations (and we know what road is said to be paved with good intentions.) Messages such as, “if you are going to do anything, do the very best you can,” or “Always give 110%.”
I do it myself, as I’ve implied above. I’m frequently asked to give workshops and other presentations. I say this as a matter of fact, without brag, I have NEVER given a workshop or presentation that got anything less than glowing reviews. But I still sweat them, and try to make them better, unless I catch myself, and make myself stop.
And, of course, you can ruin something good by trying to make it better. You can over-engineer a product, over-think an idea, over-produce a movie, or piece of music, over-explain a concept (hmmm...), and overload a workshop or talk to the point where there is no room for discussion, interaction, FUN!
Recently, in Penelope Trunk’s blog, Brazen Careerist, I read her entry on Breaking the perfection habit. She makes the good point that not being a perfectionist actually allows her to set more goals for herself, because she gets more things done, instead of over-doing them. Among the comments, many were supportive, some said they could relate, but still others were derisive, calling her a corner-cutter, and scoffing that they’d never hire her.
So, there is one of the problems with trying to break free of perfectionism: the influence of others. Workaholics, the folks that are first-in and last-to-leave, tend to get rewarded for their behaviour with promotions to management positions. They account for a lot of the stress-related productivity-loss in the workplace. And many of us find ourselves in relationships of one kind or another with people who seem impossible to please, who are never satisfied.
Another type of comment came from those who wrote about “that kind of person.” Here is where I think it’s all too easy to kid ourselves. Perfectionism shows up in so many ways, and is so prevalent, that instead of focusing on “those people,” we really need to tend our own gardens.
I remember one author, writing about parenting, who said, “perfectionism is the enemy of the good.” I believe that is true. As we struggle for perfection, we often miss out on the good in life, and don’t do a good job, because we are trying so hard to be perfect.
Parenting is an especially important place to try to overcome our perfectionism. I have had young women in my practice who tell me that they did not want to be mothers because they know they could never meet the standards set by their mothers, the bar has been set so high. And I think that's sad. Other clients, who have had kids, are burning themselves out through overfunctioning, never giving themselves a break, because that's how mom did it, and they feel they need to live up to her standards, even though their circumstances are markedly different. And I think that's even sadder.
And there is a lesson there, in the way we pass perfectionist standards on, across generations, and perpetuate, not high standards, but misery. When we have a good sense of our priorities and our limitations, we are providing a much healthier role model for our children.
So, I try to urge my clients, to try to do a good job, not a better job. Stop being the enemy of the good, and you will be well on the way to breaking free of perfectionism.
And so will I.