Should you, really?

(originally posted in 2008)
At some point in therapy I’ll usually ask my clients to try removing the word “should” from their vocabulary. An often repeated therapeutic “joke” is the phrase, “stop should-ing on yourself.”
My reasons for asking my clients to do this have nothing to do with being cute, nor even with being compassionate. In fact, my request for them to eliminate the word “should” is based on the most hard-nosed and pragmatic of reasons.
“Should” is fantasy, not reality.
Think of any statement that uses the word “should” and you’ll find that statement does not talk about what IS, but what we think ought to be, or what we would rather, instead of what we have.
“My friend should be here by now.” Sorry, but reality is that he/she ISN’T. Maybe they got delayed. Maybe they have a problem with time management. Or, as you are really trying to avoid considering, maybe they are standing you up.
“You should be married at your age.” So, what you really want is for people to live their lives according to a timetable YOU feel is proper? What is it you get out of that? A comforting illusion of control? Sorry, but reality is that people get to decide for themselves when to marry, or not.
The “should” statements I encounter most frequently are not about others, but clients’ statements about themselves.
“I should have gotten over this by now.” Sorry, but reality is that you haven’t. Feelings don’t work on a schedule. They are what they are until they get resolved. That can be terribly uncomfortable, but that is the reality.
“I should be a better person.” Sorry, but the reality is that you are what you are. Not accepting yourself for who you are is a real problem. You may not like everything about yourself. Odds are that you don’t, if you are in therapy. But not accepting the reality of who you are won’t make your life easier. It will make it harder.
“Should,” implies the existence of an ideal against which we are measuring ourselves. Ideals make for great comic book heroes, or legendary characters, but they are not reality. We are all imperfect human beings who struggle daily to live a life that meets our needs without being unfair to others. Sometimes we don’t succeed.
A more realistic approach is, “This is who I am right now, and these are the things that I would like to change.”
Another frequent “should” statement: “I should have known better”; or “I should have never done that.” Sorry, but the reality is that you have made a choice that you now regret. You have to live with that. The good news is that you can learn from your experiences and make different choices in the future.
Expecting all our choices to be “good choices,” “the right choice,” “the best choice,” is perfectionist and unrealistic. Everyone makes choices they regret, and sometimes with tragic consequences. The effects of your choices are real. But the realistic approach is to recognize that hindsight is 20/20, and that instead of getting bogged down with guilt, or criticizing yourself for what you’ve done in the past, you have an opportunity for some very valuable learning.
You may want to try eliminating the word “should” from your vocabulary for a while. It can be a very instructive exercise. People often find it difficult, which is a sign of just how deeply most people’s thinking is rooted in fantasy. If you find it challenging to restate your thoughts without the word “should,” try stopping first and asking yourself, “What is my reality, right now, this minute?”
Also remember that no matter what your present reality, change is possible, as long as you are alive and willing to work at it.
One more caution: I frequently have a conversation with my clients about the irony of telling themselves, “I shouldn’t say ‘should’.”