Totally Devoted

(originally posted Saturday, April 5, 2008)
I was, as usual, reading “Dear Abby” in the newspaper with my morning coffee, and came across a letter from a woman who signed herself “True Blue in Allentown PA.” She wrote in because she can’t seem to hang onto friends. She describes herself as a divorced mother of two, who likes to develop a close friendship with just one other woman. Other friends are “casual acquaintances.”
As a friend she describes herself as "truly devoted,” and goes on to say, “I am totally accommodating, to the point that I rearrange my activities and forgo my own wishes -- the ‘whatever you want to do’ type.” However, her friendships usually end after 5 or so years. “The other person is usually not quite as committed as I am.”
The scenario caught my attention because I encounter it frequently in counselling. If I have a client who tells me that they are “totally devoted” to their husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, children, or parents, I know that I’m going to hear a sadly familiar story. A story of “giving and giving, asking nothing in return” that ends with feeling unappreciated, taken advantage of, and abandoned.
Many people get the idea that a good relationship means being “totally devoted” to the other person. As other person becomes their total focus, not only does the other begin to feel overwhelmed, but paradoxically, they often feel like they are alone in the relationship. The devoted one merely reflects their wants and whims, and brings none of their own to share. The devoted one sincerely believes that this is what a relationship should be like. Even the name this writer chose for herself, “True Blue” reflects the idealized notion of friendship that she holds.
“True Blue” goes on to ask, “Why does this happen when I try so hard and go out of my way to maintain the friendship?”
Abby didn’t come right out and tell her why (although she did so indirectly), so I will. This happens BECAUSE you try so hard and go out of your way. You are trying so hard that you wind up doing all the work of the relationship (yes, every relationship is work), and there’s nothing for the other person to do. So, of course the other person takes without giving. That’s all you’ve left for them to do.
And from the other’s point of view, you are kind of boring. You have no other friends you can talk to them about. You never come up with anything interesting for the two of you to do. All they ever hear from you is, “whatever you want to do.” You’re so busy seeing to their wants, you develop none of your own, and so there is nothing they can do for you. Nothing that is, except what you really want...to let you continue to make the relationship all about them, so that you can avoid your persistent fear that you will be rejected if you become an independent person, with needs, wants and interests of your own. Ironically, behaving this way leads to the very rejection you fear. Your idea of what a relationship should be like couldn’t be more wrong.
This could very well be the reason "True Blue" is divorced. And if her kids are older than about 7, they probably resent her for being overprotective and domineering. Usually the approach we bring to any kind of relationship reflects the approach we use in all of our relationships
In a healthy adult relationship of any kind, each party contributes 50%. (Of course, with a young child we cannot expect a full 50%. The child is not yet developed enough to do as much as an adult.) Our partners may not always understand or be able to meet our needs. But for the relationship to grow and thrive in a healthy way, it has to be between two individuals who participate equally in its give-and-take. The relationship must be a two-way street. If it isn’t, you may soon find that it has come to a dead end.